“My life before him was so simple and decided, now after him…It’s just…After.” ― Anna Todd

I ran across the quote above and got to thinking: What was it like not having Donald Trump plastered across the media world when life was simpler and more rational and sane. The first time I really paid attention to Trump was when he made that long escalator ride down with Melania in Trump Tower to announce his presidential candidacy. They were still holding hands back then, and Americans had never heard her utter, “Give me a fucking break.” Five years later, things have changed.

I can barely remember the feeling of knowing Barrack Obama was sitting in the White House, and all was relatively well in the country. Where did those times go? Now, all I have are memories of those days. After five years of scandals, pandemic, lies, distortions, Bill Barr, and the corrupt Republican Party even those memories seem surreal. Merle Haggard sang a song with this line, “Let’s stop rolling down hill like a snowball headed for hell” which seems fitting in the age of Trump and his wild grifting philosophy.

Frankly, I am frightened. Frightened because Trump might win. Frightened Trump might lose but disavow the election results. Frightened because there is an element of American society that is so butt fuck stupid that they support this monster, even unto taking up arms against the Constitution, our American way of life, and all that entails. Frightened of the prospect of innocent people being killed in the streets because of their belief that we do in deed live in a free and democratic society. Frightened that if the election is contested in the courts and it winds up in the Supreme Court, conservatives will once again steal the election regardless of the impact it has on our society.

I want to believe that I’m just being foolish and believe it couldn’t happen in our country. I thought something like that when Bush vs Gore went to the Court. I remember the night of November 3, 2016 when the results came in and Trump was declared the winner early on in the evening. It never occurred to me that as bad as we knew Trump was in the beginning that he would progressively become worse and worse until our country no longer resembles the country we lived in under Barrack Obama.

I am ashamed, dishearten, and sickened by the fact that America, once the mightiest and most revered country on the planet, is now little more than a laughingstock on the world stage. It breaks my heart that because of Trump’s mismanagement of the Covid-19 virus that 226,500 Americans are dead with just under nine million cases confirmed in the United States. I am depressed that an equal number of deaths are on the horizon.

Most of all, I feel helpless. Helpless that there isn’t anything tangible that I can do about it other than vote. I despair that my vote and the vote of those who feel and believe the way I do might not be enough to stop the madness before the nation is consumed. I feel helpless I like so many others have lost hope in this time when hope is so badly needed. I want to believe that the evening of November 3 will return a favorable decision for the freedom and sustainability of our Republic. Yet, the abyss of shame I feel for not believing in the good of the American people and the centuries old process might not be enough.

I know that many of you will tell me to buck up, think positively, and keep the faith. I wish I could tell you I do. Yet, looking back over the past four years, it hard to lift my thoughts up to combat the constant stream of lies, abuse, and general disregard of basic decency that this administration seems to embrace as normal. Maybe, we should have seen this coming. Maybe, but honestly, if someone had told me that we would be in this position two nights before and election that could be the end of the America we’ve known all of our lives, I would have laughed in their face. Such is the nature of evil.

The type of world we live in on November 4 (or when ever we find out the outcome of the election) depends so much on the whims of fate. What we will have to live with regardless of who wins is going to be a new day for America. If it’s Trump, well, I will let you fill in your own vision of the future. If it is Joe Biden, we will have to come to grips that there is so much wrong with our America. Things we’ve too long swept under the rug. The fact that I am writing this, and I know you know the feeling, means that our democracy is in peril. How to heal the rift between Republicans, conservatives in general, Evangelicals, and a laundry list of repressive factions who thought it wise to align themselves with a fascist dictator wanna’ be will be daunting.

The clock is ticking. Today is Monday, November 2, less than twenty hours before the vote begins. So many questions are on the table with so many answers on the horizon. It’s hard to put on my happy face and look the future in the eye. Yet, deep down inside me, I want to believe the madness is coming to an end that Biden and Harris will overcome the flood of lies and adversities to prevail. Yet, something in me knows that Donald Trump is still playing his long game, still grifting, still looking for the big score. A score, I fear, America can’t afford.